Just Another Nobody

Blah Blah Blah

(no subject)
So, I'm sitting in the airport and I'm getting ready to go home. I've got some decisions to make. Decisions that I've put off and put on the burner for too long now...
I've got Brett who has made me miserable, but who honestly I'm not happy being without...its this masochistic tendency of mine...which I hate/love about myself. I can't tell if he is bullshitting w me or not about not loving me anymore. The majority of me believes he's not, but a small part of me(probably that stupid heart of mine) hopes that he does still love me and that he's just being difficult...
Of course then there's the other one. Kurt Thomas the Hippopotamus I call him...I realized last nite as I was criticizing Brett for going out so often lately and partying that I'm quickly falling for a 27 year old drunk. Needless to say when I later on spoke to Kurt I wasn't amused by his lack of sobriety and especially this morning I'm just a little tired of the immaturity. I'd give it another two weeks before Kurt says that he loves me. I don't think he even has the slightest clue what love is...but he is crazy about me and since he already knows my quirks---my temper, snooping habit, etc..---it kind of amazes me that he is still interested. Maybe that's the problem tho.

Honestly Dave is currently looking at the number one spot Which is def not a good sign, but he doesn't depress me, crowd me or make me feel any sort of I like safe. My poor little damaged heart needs a break.

Oh and as far as what I've decided I guess I've decided to continue putting myself through a personal prison of affairs and keep them all. For now.

I will be getting my new golf clubs soon, and I will be super busy at work, considering---hold for good news--- I got PROMOTED! So yay! I finally get my health insurance and benefits and all sorts of stuff...there's a couple downsides (more work, more bullshit) but the upsides are immediate and very welcome. Better shifts, better pay and better well, everything.

Ugh I've still got quite awhile before I leave, but posting on my phone is kind of I'm out. later alligator!

(no subject)

got new golf clubs. finally. after a year of hinting. got em. brand new. taylormade [aka expensive]. a whole fucking set. im so happy.

im going home tomorrow. im excited. i miss sunny sunny sunny.

i got a promotion! im now a snack bar supervisor. i start my training next week! yay. so many pluses. better pay. better shifts. better benefits. yes, i finally get INSURANCE! i can be sick again! woo hoo!


bretts mean and awful. if im gonna get negative. but whatever. ive got my back ups and theyll keep me entertained until i can find the next love of my life [and by life i mean a wretching two years of it...]

lifes grand. its up. its down. but its life. im over it.

love love love today!

making this

brett told me he doesn't love me anymore. or hes not sure. same damn difference.
it hurts. 
a lot.

im reading thru it tho. eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert. a must read.

im starting up yoga when i get back. its going to change my life.

i want to write about all my feelings. get them out. i cant stand the way im feeling right now. i feel so bottled up. i really have no one to talk to. shitty cell reception and my grandma would never understand. so i hold it all in. talk to my cousin about it as best i can. i feel guilty feeling upset over this. when im surrounded by reminders of my grandpa. knowing that everyday my grandma misses him.


i want. need. to go home already.

tomorrow is my chaperoned double date with my cousin and two golf pros. vomit.

dave and kurt are my backups. but im looking. new. better. absolutely wonderful.

my fam gets here at noon. ah.
 so heres my birthday recap:
quick tho since i have two hours until my family arrives and ive got to do a bunch of stuff before they get here...

got to work after getting calls from my entire family that morning wishing me a happy birthday. so a good start. brett called twice. once he wished me a happy birthday. so then i get ready and head to work. brett shows up at my work. he says happy birthday and then starts grilling me about what i did the nite before [which i watched a movie w. kurt] so i told him it was none of his business. he flipped out. called me names and i told him i didn't want him at my birthday. 
i was having a great start to my birthday too. there was a cookie cake waiting for me in the snackbar and tiffany got me a card and we lit twentyfour candles and i blew them all out minus two. i couldve gone the distance, but i was too afraid of spitting on the cake so i held back... then magz brought me a singing balloon and candy. everyone at work was super sweet and came by my window to say happy birthday. i got calls from all of my friends...

dinner came around. brett and i had spent the whole day arguing. surprise surprise. but i told him he wasnt invited to my birthday party so i didnt give a shit. so what does he do? in classic crazy brett style he shows up at my apartment, ready to whatever he comes then its me, my roommate rachel, tracy and her boyfriend, maggie, and brett at bww. ashley shows up and then the boys all come...kurt, cliff, chambers, derose, and then we have a couple more drinks and i get a couple shots and its off to salty senoritas in old town. it smells bad in there really bad, but were meeting tiffany there so we stay for a drink and then bounce to down the street at dos wasted. ive avidly begun ignoring brett and avidly been paying a lot of attention to kurt. brett throws hissy fits everytime were in the car. i just appease him while i continue to get hammered.

its a lot of fun. im having a great time. im smoking like a chimney since i have decided to quit after my birthday...

all in all from what i remember my birthday was amazing. it was probably the biggest outcome ive had for a birthday in my entire life...which should show you how much i love it here and how much it loves me back here...

the next morning wasnt quite as fun. brett was pissed because i told some guy i was single and was holding his hand demanding he buy me a shot. no idea why. no recollection whatsoever. hes also pissed because he caught me text messaging fact he is furious later on bc he finds out i spent the nite at kurts...which i deny until the sun sets, but whatever. 

my birthday was amazing.
which is amazing since i was convinced it would be a total disaster. and i would end up alone at bww.

(no subject)
happy birthday to me.

woo. fucking. hoo.

 msg from dave:
kevin thought she looked cute so he forced me to email her. i already have my cute grayhawk girl ha ha, my buddy wants to get to know her though, his name is kevin. we just got back from guatemala, how you been?

yeah. im gonna go ahead and say, thats a bunch of bullshit.

anyways. my birthday is coming up. two days. march fifth.

still im not excited. boo. twenty three. bleh.

what the fuck. 

guess it turns out not to be such a big deal that i heard from dave while he was in guatemala. considering he was trying to hook up with my friend aly ON MYSPACE. hello creepy. goodbye creepy.

she got this message from him on myspace--- "i saw you on my friends page and thought you were pretty cute. i saw that you are from scottsdale, i actually moved her a couple years ago from minnesota to play golf. i dont normally do this, but i thought id give the myspace thing a go. anyways i dont know what youre up to, but i was just wondering whats up and how youve been."

what the fuck.

what normal guy goes onto myspace to pick up chicks? what weird guy goes on a girl who he has hooked up with's friend page and trying to pick up her friend? seriously? is that why he accepted my friend request? so he could expand his dating options? is that why he never wanted to hang out solo to try and get at my friends? what a fucking weirdo.

ewwww. i actually slept in his bed. i should probably get tested. even tho all we did is kiss. 
i just feel dirty.

on another note: 
i went on that nature walk yesterday. eight miles later we were sprinting home to make it in before dark. holy shit. we got so lost. not a good place to get lost either. desert in the dark is a little scary. and probably very cougars, bobcats and coyotes...not to mention scorpions and black widows...uh yeah. still it was amazing. arizona is growing on me more and more every day...which is incredible because needless to say, the men here are all douchebags. of course im realizing that it is universal. men everywhere are douchebags. completely unavoidable.

i also started reading another augusteen burroughs book. probably the funniest chapter ive ever read in my life is the first in this one...altho i cant remember the title off  hand...all about the toothfairy. he kept calling her "it" and was completely mortified. i promised myself i wouldnt read anymore of his after his memoir was only slightly satifactory, but since i have a lot of free time now that ive eliminated all of my male companion options, i guess theres not shit else to do...

its in the eighties here. ha. i know you hate me.
the weather here is amazing. absolutely amazing. its a gorgeous eighty-something degrees out right now. 
im going with magz for a hike on these nature trails. its going to be healthy. 

kurt freaked out last pretty sure today that he was drunk. but i dont know for sure.
k: who are you hanging out with tonite? cause we are going out if its my turn.
me: very just staying in
k:all good. it was fin while it lasted right? call me next time you need  a break.
me: what do you mean? are you being serious?
k: yeah i was kinda serious. all good though. i will talk to you one of these days.

are you fucking kidding me? we dated for like a fucking week and hes bitching like a baby because i didn't want to hang out the past couple days. i mean seriously. grow. the. fuck. up. ugh. so glad im over that. still today he was being friendly. he even invited me to bww. told me if i didn't come it would be his last invitation. then when i didnt respond he told me i wouldnt be that lucky and that he would most likely keep asking me out...yeah. not so much attractive.

dave and i talked. well. we facebook messaged eachother. which is a pretty big sign since he is in guatemala. 
i can't decide whether or not i like him. as in whether or not i find him physically attractive enough.
currently im leaning to the no side. to be honest. hes witty tho. and funny. and great. i just wish he was a lean muscle 6'4" not olga stretched out to be 6'4"...yeah hes that skinny. okay. not that skinny. but his legs are like twigs.

brett's family is in town. and by family i mean mom dad grandma and grandpa. yup. the whole fucking clan. evidently he told them today that were trying to work things out. i can only imagine how things went. supposedly they weren't surprised. i feel like this means they probably want to kill me. needless to say i will be making myself sparse. i already saw three out of the four. i pretended like i was in a hurry and could only wave and smile. i then went and hid behind the snack bar and smoked with ashley.

theres some dramz at work, which sucks. i wish everyone could just get along. i mean seriously. i could care less tho. everyone likes me. which i guess is my goal. 

rachel is a great roommate. shes never around. doesn't bother me. doesn't invade my space. 

alright. well ive gotta get ready to go. dont wanna miss out on time on the trails. 
enjoy the snow!

(no subject)
things  with kurt are over. and now im fucked. because how do you tell someone theyre over when you never officially started them?

i think the excitement of hooking up with kurt has already worn off. i didn't even feel like it, i was at his place, and i fell asleep. i mean how uninterested can i be? i fell asleep...after i got plenty of sleep the nite before?!? 

and olga is going to come and shoot me---but---all i could think about last nite was brett. how things were so different...
alrite, i can't do this right now...

waiting for kurt...

kurt - great. everything was great. until. "you're so out of my league, i just don't get it" WHY THE FUCK ARE GUYS SO INSECURE!?!??? it's not a good sign and it's not attractive. especially after eli and brett. 
dave- well, i didn't really give up on dave. i had a couple drinks and it was on again. went to his place, watched dumb and dumber. talked and he is great. perfect on paper. but the spark just wasn't there. i mean it was, but i want fireworks. fourth of july style. im not counting him out though...i mean...he reads. he has good taste in music, other than the country thing, and hes a sweet guy. unfortunately in the physical dept. he has skinny ass legs and a drinking gut. which i don't really find attractive. but then he is 6'5" which is totally hot...
brett- he's officially gone psycho. ugh. not even worth writing about.

other news---

someone keyed my car at work. everyone thinks its brett. i would agree, but i dont, for some reason.
its almost bathing suit season. which is scary because im so out of shape. serious love handles going on. ugh. need to start working out...being active isn't cutting it anymore.
i've got a roommate. rachel is going to move in, which is going to be great. i wasn't sure about it at first, but the more i think about it, it seems like a really good idea.
my fam is coming to visit. march 8-15. long ass time. 
i might be going to georgia march 24-29. thatd be amazing. except i'd have to take off all that time from work. and find a dog sitter...which would be hard...

i'm going over to kurt's tonite. im excited. i think. 
i've been holding out on sex. i plan on holding out for quite a while. which sucks. but i think i would freak out if i slept with him and im trying to avoid freaking out. 
i dunno. sex with brett was amazing. like mind blowing. i feel like sex with anyone else is going to be a disappointment. which makes me think, well maybe i should just get it over with, but i like kurt and i hate the idea of letting that ruin things...


okay. no sex. tonite.


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